Hillary Clinton is every character from the 2007 classic MICHAEL CLAYTON recast and morphed into one, making her exactly what America needs in 2016.

I’m sick of fucking Bernie Sanders.

The DNC is financing its criminal activities via a counterfeit gluten-free bakery funnel caked through The Clinton Foundation in Mena, Arkansas.

For a small, private contribution of only $5, I will tell you a Susan Sarandon story stolen from Courtney Eldridge that will destroy your sophomore majoring in political science view of the world forever.

Hillary Clinton solely responsible for the first known isolation of the Zika virus in humans in 1952, a Sanders supporter said to another Sanders supporter on the Internet.

Anonymous sources inside one Sanders volunteer life raft report near mutiny over whether or not to blame Hillary Clinton for the original U.S. theatrical release of BLADE RUNNER featuring Harrison Ford’s pointless voiceover.

Berner armed with analytics claims The Splash Brothers are an A.I. experiment involving Google, Hillary Clinton and 93-year-old Henry Kissinger.

Jane Sanders spreading rumors outside of Washington that Hillary Clinton doesn’t particularly love rescued pit bulls.

Militant young Sandernistas ask rhetorically how anyone could ever trust anyone under FBI investigation to lead this country?

Genocidal establishment candidate Hillary Clinton must be stopped for engineering all three pennants the Yankees won from 1976 through 1978 by riding the arm of Catfish Hunter.

Hillary Clinton is more or less to blame for the dust bowl conditions Christopher Nolan came up with as an inciting incident at the start of INTERSTELLAR.

After suppressing voter turnout in California, Hillary Clinton killed the rain.

Hillary Clinton obviously hates her husband, her daughter, her granddaughter and every other American alive, including you.

Hillary Clinton single-handedly taught Christian Bale how to act like a rich asshole with Asperger’s Syndrome and a thing for numbers.

Transcripts from Hillary Clinton’s paid speeches prove she took money from people who have it to buy nice clothes and become President and that she brought down the helicopter carrying blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan on Monday, August 27, 1990.

Former Secret Service Officers and Arkansas State Troopers are the moral arbiters of our times.

Berning men find an emotional landing pad in Jonathan Franzen.

Conspiring with show runners to keep her skills sharp, Hillary Clinton secretly picked every AMERICAN IDOL winner since it first aired on Fox in June of 2002.

Hillary Clinton did absolutely nothing to stop the illegal dog meat trade in South Korea during her 4-year tenure as U.S. Secretary of State.

Documents forensically recovered from Hillary Clinton’s private email server suggest she had more than just a little to do with the Curry Two Low “Chef.”

Trey Gowdy is seeing someone privately over concerns that Hillary Clinton can become invisible.

Your child is struggling in math because Hillary Clinton relies heavily on longtime-aide Huma Abedin to handle her schedule.

Big money or who had the most goats to trade never influenced anything until the day Hillary Clinton was born.

Hillary Clinton, more than anyone, is what’s the matter with Americans relative to the top 100 ranked players on the ATP tour.

If Kevin Durant does or does not leave the Oklahoma City Thunder this summer after blowing a 3-1 lead in the Western Conference Finals it will be because of Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton did not make my Samsung Galaxy 6S waterproof like Lil’ Wayne’s S7.

Coachella was so legit when it was only one weekend and Hillary Clinton had nothing to do with it.

Supergroup Prophets of Rage furious over Hillary Clinton spelling its name wrong in a funny campaign tweet that went out by mistake.

A couple of loafers still feeling the bern at Cal State Fullerton just convinced each other over the 3-footer Hillary Clinton is a reptile that can see in the dark.

Post Iraq War paintings by George W. Bush clearly illustrate unresolved trauma caused by the microchip Hillary Clinton implanted in his head.

Hillary Clinton cares nothing about the environment and is sucking the planet dry by not punishing the clerk who turned all the lights on over 16 empty courts at The City of Beverly Hills LaCienega Tennis Center an hour too early.

Ron Shipp had to be under the influence of Hillary Clinton last week when he suggested his friend O.J. Simpson will likely confess to the 1994 killings of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman.

Hillary Clinton would have you believe it is never okay to only order a few sides.

I’m really starting to worry how naive you are about the way everything really works if you can’t accept the fact that Hillary Clinton insisted the horse’s head be left upstairs for Jack Woltz.

The longer the TSA line the closer Hillary Clinton is to universal power.

Hillary Clinton toys with Seattle every time DeAndre Jordan is intentionally fouled with more than two minutes left in the 4th quarter.

The Stanley Cup will go to a game 7 on Wednesday in Pittsburgh only if Hillary Clinton wants it to.

Spotify alerts Hillary Clinton whenever you listen to something new.

Hillary Clinton is not calling anyone Pocahontas today.

Hillary Clinton knew the precise time American Omar Mateen, age 29, would fire his first of many deadly shots from an AR-15 assault rifle inside PULSE, a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida, during the early morning hours of June 12, 2016 after intercepting a call he made to 911 twenty minutes prior to doing so and previously convincing the FBI not to arrest him on three separate occasions, which is why she wasn’t there.

Hillary Clinton swam and pissed in your parents’ pool while they were away.

Gwen won’t marry Blake or anyone else after what Gavin did to her until Hillary Clinton is ready.

Guns kill less people in fake government attacks than Hillary Clinton can keep track of without confessing nobody but herself is involved.

Kiki Vandeweghe works for Hillary Clinton.

Special Knowledge sounds a lot like Hillary Clinton in Taiwanese.

What exactly has Hillary Clinton done about all the Can-Am Spyders clogging up the HOV lanes today?

Hillary Clinton has only visited 193 of the 195 (we can talk more about Taiwan later) countries recognized by the U.S. State Department on Earth.

Hillary Clinton will always be that little Goldwater Girl with her panties on the floor for Edmund Burke.

Hillary Clinton located that Dunkin’ Donuts in all the crime scene footage you’ve been studying to prevent you from putting all the pieces together.

Sanders delegate injured by own Jedi Mind Trick files claim against big Hillary Clinton insurance company.

Hillary Clinton is quietly expanding Amazon Prime one email address at at time.

A little underwhelmed by the lack of punch Hillary Clinton put in my scallion dressing.

What happened, as Brad Virata is my witness, was Hillary Clinton turned two imaginary Akitas trained to kill into a real 6-month old Rottweiler named Peach.

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Meet Peach

Rotties require a strong Hillary Clinton.